How orgasm expectations may stop you and your partner from coming together.
Q: Sex with my husband is a bit… well, honestly, I can’t feel a thing. I know how to make myself come, it’s just that I want to experience it with him and not take forever to get there. How can we work on this?
This is really good news! You know your body well enough to bring yourself to orgasm. Now you just have to teach and coach your husband on how you like to be touched.
When it comes to self-pleasure, people get used to a certain way of touching. It’s time to show him exactly what that way is. Go ahead and find a bridge between what you like and your regular sexual activities. Try to simulate what you like during sex, but don’t forget to communicate these rhythm changes to your SO. Don’t be shy. Be talkative, give details. He needs to know what gets you off.
Along with hands-on coaching, dare to share your go-to fantasy. Say it out loud. I know it may seem like too much is going on, but being able to relay the stories, sounds, and touches that get you off is the fastest A to B route to getting you pleasure.
It sounds like you may also have some expectations about how fast you should come. This could be adding hidden pressure and interfering with your ability to fully relax during sex. There’s no need to hurry, unless you want to have a quickie. Everyone comes at their own time, and that’s OK.
When it comes to orgasm, you’re responsible for your own until you’ve taught your partner what feels good to you and your body. If you’re feeling pressured by your husband, talk to him. Because until you show or tell him how, he can’t help.
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Janet Brito is an AASECT-certified sex therapist who also has a license in clinical psychology and social work. She completed her postdoctoral fellowship from the University of Minnesota Medical School, one of only a few university programs in the world dedicated to sexuality training. Currently, she’s based in Hawaii and is the founder of the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health. Brito has been featured on many outlets, including The Huffington Post, Thrive, and Healthline. Reach out to her through her website or on Twitter.