How to Stop Loving Someone and Move On

Accept what the love meant to you

“Some loves might always scratch at your heart,” said Kim Egel, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego. “Some relationships, especially those that were an integral part of growth at pivotal times in our lives, thread through the inner makings of who we become.”

Letting go of a meaningful love can make you feel like you’re also letting go of everything it once meant.

Try to take the opportunity to acknowledge the good things about the relationship, including anything you might have learned from it. Make an effort to validate those feelings and give them space in your heart.

What did it teach you about yourself and your needs? What did it give you in terms of experiences and joy? What did it show you about the things you don’t want to deal with again? Why do you still love the other person?

Denying your emotions or their significance may hold you back and make moving on more challenging. Honoring your experience and letting those intense feelings come afloat can help you process them and find peace to move forward.

What’s more, acknowledging the past importance of your love can help you see how it’s no longer serving you.

Acknowledge the truth of the situation

The ability to hold on to hope in difficult or painful situations can be a personal strength. But when it comes to holding on to hurtful relationships, it may be more helpful to consider the present reality than the future you imagine or wish.

Ending a relationship or moving on from someone you love doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It takes courage and self-awareness to recognize a relationship doesn’t work. Accepting the facts and acknowledging the reality of the other person’s feelings can be a positive step toward self-growth.

Realizing your relationship isn’t going anywhere won’t make your feelings disappear overnight, but it’s a significant step toward focusing your attention on something else.

Identify relationship needs — and deal breakers 

Taking a careful look at what you want from a relationship, as well as what you absolutely don’t want, can help you pinpoint the ways a love interest may not be the best match.

Say you and your partner have a great relationship. The more time you spend together, the more connected you feel. Eventually, you realize you’ve fallen in love with them.

But there’s one big issue: Days, sometimes a week or more, often pass without you hearing from them. You reach out and notice they’ve been online, but there’s still no reply.

If you prioritize good communication in relationships, their inability to respond in a timely manner may indicate that they’re not a good match for your needs.

When you recognize the ways someone you love doesn’t quite meet your needs, you might have an easier time getting over your feelings.

Coming up with excuses about their behavior or hoping they will somehow change one day may not be helpful in this situation. To get over someone you love, you may need to focus on what’s true today instead of what could or should be.

Look to the future

Love for an ex or someone who doesn’t return your feelings can limit you. The more time you invest in something that cannot be, the more time it’ll take for you to find something that can.

If you don’t feel ready for anything serious but feel the need to meet new people, try casual dating. It may help you realize there are plenty of great people you could build connections with.

Once you feel like dating more formally, finding the right partner may still prove challenging if you still have feelings for someone else. Dating frustrations can make it especially tempting to dwell on the person you already love.

Try to look forward rather than back into your past, even if it’s difficult at first. Avoid the need to compare your ex-partner with every new person you meet. Everyone’s different and can offer different things. Let them surprise you.

If no one feels quite right after a while, you may still need time to work through your feelings. It’s valid to enjoy casual relationships or no relationship at all while doing this work.

If you do start dating, try to be open and honest about what you’re looking for and what you’re currently able to give.

Prioritize other relationships

People getting over heartbreak or trying to figure out how to stop loving someone often tend to “forget” about other important relationships.

Your friends and family members can offer support as you heal. They may even have some helpful insight or wisdom to share from their own experiences.

Loved ones can also provide strength and guidance if you’re trying to heal from the effects of a toxic relationship.

If you feel someone is judging you or your choices or making you feel uncomfortable in other ways, it is valid to limit your time with them and focus on your more supportive bonds.

Spend time on yourself

Consider the parts of yourself you may have denied, pushed down, altered, or put on standby during the relationship.

Spending some time reconnecting with your dreams and goals may help you move on from the other person. Try to think about those things that make your heart smile and the ways you envision your life in 6 months, 3 years, or 10 years.

Give yourself space

This may seem like an obvious step, but it’s an important one. When you’re ready to get over someone you love, distance can be your best friend. Even an occasional text or call may rekindle feelings you thought you’d already left behind.

You may want to avoid contacting the person unless you really need to, like if you share custody of children or work together.

If you’re friends who used to spend a lot of time hanging out, it may be wise to spend time with other friends for the time being.

You might want to maintain your friendship, but consider waiting until the intensity of your love fades. Otherwise, you may end up causing yourself unnecessary pain.

Understand getting over someone may take some time

Feelings of love can and do fade, but this is generally not a rapid process. In the meantime, it’s very natural to feel a lot of discomfort.

Here are some tips to help you through this period of getting over someone you love:

• Have patience with yourself.
• Practice self-compassion by telling yourself what you might tell a friend in the same situation.
• Accept that it’s natural to hurt, but that it’s also temporary.
• Remind yourself the pain won’t last forever.

Talk with a therapist

“Matters of the heart can get us where it really hurts,” Egel noted. She recommended psychotherapy as a helpful resource when you:

• have a hard time living your life as you typically would
• feel confused about your feelings
• find yourself in a dark place
• have trouble acknowledging or accepting your feelings

Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore emotions and discuss strategies for addressing them. A therapist can also help you develop coping skills to manage these feelings until their intensity lessens.

Takeaway

Getting over someone you love and moving on from their presence in your life can be challenging and hurtful. But it’s possible. Spending more time with other friends and loved ones, reflecting on what the love taught you, and seeking help if you are having a hard time can all help you in the process of stopping loving someone.