As an adult, you might have overinvolved parents or guardians. Remember to set respectful boundaries with them, and don’t let those boundaries slip. Sometimes you may also want to seek professional advice.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. Some parents or guardians will still try to parent you.
Overinvolvement may come from a good place, but it doesn’t make it OK. They may want to remain part of your life now that you’ve established your independence and left home. They could also have some trouble giving up control.
When guardians repeatedly challenge the limits you set — or ignore them outright — it suggests an unhealthy dynamic. Their disregard for your needs can easily contribute to tension and emotional distress and cause lasting damage to your relationship.
An open conversation is a great place to start when navigating conflict or tension in any relationship. Talking with your guardians can help you understand why they’re trying to manage your life.
They might also be coping with their own issues. Becoming more involved in your life may be one way of coping with feelings toward challenges they can’t control.
A clearer picture of what’s happening in their life can help you navigate the situation productively. Listening can reassure them you do care.
Setting limits with your guardians isn’t disrespectful. It’s healthy to politely state your boundaries and expect your guardians to respect those needs.
You’ll likely have more success — and fewer hurt feelings afterward — when you choose your words carefully.
It usually doesn’t hurt to let them know how much you appreciate them before discussing what needs to change.
Tip:
Sort through your feelings before entering the conversation. Identifying exactly what bothers you can help you prepare with possible solutions.
Your guardians may still consider you their child, regardless of your age. It may be challenging to get them to recognize that.
Telling yourself, “It’s just temporary,” or avoiding conflict could help keep the peace temporarily before tensions build up.
But you’re often better off addressing concerns as they arise instead of
If your guardians have always had a hard time recognizing and respecting your needs for privacy and personal space, this problem isn’t going to magically disappear.
You’ll eventually have to set some limits, and waiting to establish boundaries may only lead to more frustration, distress, or resentment for everyone involved.
Like avoidance, vagueness generally doesn’t do you any favors. Unclear or confusing boundaries leave room for misinterpretation.
You might know exactly what you mean when you say one thing, but your guardians could interpret it as another unless you’re specific with your request.
It’s more helpful to give specific examples of unacceptable behaviors and acceptable alternatives, depending on the situation. For example:
- “Your gifts are always so generous, and I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need new clothes or shoes. If you’d like to help, I can always use a gift card for groceries.”
- “We don’t give the kids soda or processed snacks, but they’d love baking cookies with you. I’m also happy to provide snacks and drinks when they visit.”
When your guardians become overinvolved, enforcing boundaries can gently remind them that you can and will make your own choices. Once you restate your boundaries, you can meet them in the middle by offering a compromise.
If you’re unsure what to offer, ask what they’re looking for. For example:
- “I’m wondering if there’s a reason why you keep stopping by. If you want to spend more time together, we need to plan that out beforehand. What do you think?”
Compromising to find a solution can satisfy you both since it allows you to maintain your boundaries while still involving them.
It’s expected to feel a little guilt when setting boundaries. If you believe they have good intentions, you may want to avoid hurting their feelings.
Even when you set boundaries with compassion, they could still feel hurt. If you then feel guilty for offending them, you might give them some ground when they push back against those limits.
Flimsy or nonexistent boundaries might make your guardians feel better, but they won’t improve your situation.
Believing your parents don’t respect your ability to make choices can also damage your sense of self-worth and self-respect.
When those guilty feelings bubble up, remind yourself that by standing firm and politely repeating your boundaries, you’re supporting your well-being.
Your guardians may not always listen to what you have to say or respect the boundaries you set. The next step might involve creating some distance in the relationship.
You might say, “I’ve set clear boundaries around behavior that hurts me. If you’re not willing to respect those limits, I’m not willing to invite you into my home or spend time with you.”
Once you’ve outlined the consequences, stick with them. This will show your guardians that you intend to enforce your boundaries, now and in the future. If they want to rebuild your relationship, they must respect those boundaries.
A mental health professional can help you prepare for these difficult conversations with your guardians by helping you explore what you need from the relationship and identifying what needs to change.
Therapists can also offer guidance on what healthy boundaries look like and help you recognize and address toxic relationship behaviors.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your guardians directly, therapy provides a safe space to discuss the importance of boundaries in your relationship.
Boundaries help you honor your physical and emotional needs and protect your personal space. They’re essential in every relationship.
Strong boundaries help create a healthy adult relationship with your parents or guardians. After all, they’ll always be your parents, but you’re no longer a child.
Compromising with your parents can also help with overinvolvement. But be sure not to let your boundaries slip if they seem to push back.
If you’re not sure how to start these difficult discussions with your parents, seeking help from a therapist can create a safe space for you to open up.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
