Q: My partner and I haven’t had sex for most of our relationship. They were dealing with a health condition that has since resolved, and now they’re ready to resume our sexual relationship. However, I’m not feeling aroused, and I’m not sure that I will be anytime soon. Is this something we can come back from? How can we move forward?
It’s common to not feel aroused or have any interest in sex after being in a relationship with little sexual activity.
It sounds like you and your partner had to shift gears early on in your relationship and focus on making sure they were physically healthy. Now that your partner is feeling better, this is a great opportunity to reset and learn more about who you both are at this point in your relationship.
If you’re still interested in staying in the relationship, and you’re willing to work on improving the sexual part of your partnership, then start with small amounts of intimacy.
First, hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes. This simple gesture will help you re-establish trust and express vulnerability. During this intimate moment, share with each other what your sexual hopes and desires are.
Once you’ve increased your comfort level with holding hands and eye gazing, engage in mindful touching. Start with your head, legs, arms, and torso. But leave touching private bits for later.
For this exercise, you may keep your clothes on if you want to. The focus of this activity is to discover what type of touch you enjoy receiving and what type of touch you enjoy giving your partner.
After you’re comfortable with that step, take off your clothes, and begin to explore each other’s erogenous zones, by starting with the non-genital exercises first. Again, the purpose of this exercise is not about sexual performance. Instead, it’s more about enhancing physical mindfulness and discovering pleasure zones.
The last part of this exercise is mutual genital touching, where you may engage in outercourse, nonpenetrative activities, or penetrative intercourse, all while not focusing on performance, orgasm or ejaculation.
The more often you engage in these mindful touching exercises, the more likely you are to restructure old narratives on what sex means and start to create new experiences that you both feel good about.
Other questions you can ask yourself during these exercises:
- What body part do I find most attractive about my partner?
- If I had a magic wand, and I could easily express what I need to feel sexually aroused, what would I say to my partner?
- What are my beliefs around pleasure and sexual pleasure?
- Do I have any resentment toward my partner, and what am I willing to do to let it go?
- How would I rate my emotional comfort with my partner, and how safe do I feel expressing my needs and wants with my partner?
- How comfortable am I with my own body?
- What personal hang-ups do I need to give up?
- Are there areas of my sexual history that are holding be back (i.e., childhood sexual abuse, trauma, restrictive views on sexuality)
It may feel daunting to start over and learn more about yourself and your partner’s sexual needs. But it’s worth trying, especially if you can’t imagine living your life without them.
Janet Brito is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor who also has a license in clinical psychology and social work. She completed her postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Minnesota, one of only a few programs in the world dedicated to sexuality training. Currently, she’s based in Honolulu, Hawaii, and is the founder of the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health. Dr. Brito has been featured on many outlets, including O: The Oprah Magazine, HuffPost, Playboy, Women’s Health, Thrive Global, and Midweek Publications. Reach out to her through her website or on Instagram.