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Every relationship has conflict. Learning how to handle your conflicts can not only patch up your issues, but it can also make your relationship much stronger.
Often, couples need help navigating relationship issues, regardless of how big or small the perceived problem is. This is where couples therapy comes in. Couples therapy offers you an impartial listener who can help you improve communication, see things from each other’s perspective, and work toward resolving any roadblocks. Couples therapy can also teach you how to set boundaries and develop effective coping techniques for when conflict inevitably does arise.
If you’re interested in trying couples therapy or wondering whether it’s a fit for you, we rounded up the best techniques and exercises to get started.
The Coronavirus pandemic led to strides in healthcare making and telehealth and online couples therapy more accessible than ever.
If you’re looking to engage in self-improvement and enhance your relationship, there are many techniques and exercises at your fingertips.
1. Reflective listening
“Reflective listening is a highly beneficial exercise where the couple take turns being active listeners,” says Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist at Atlanta Couple Therapy.
Use “I” phrases instead of “you” statements. For example, say: “I feel hurt when you do [X]” instead of “You’re wrong for doing [X].”
“When couples take turns being active listeners, it
2. Emotionally focused therapy
Many therapists use a method called emotionally focused therapy (EFT), which has been
The goal is for couples “to identify maladaptive patterns within the relationship that are interfering with secure bonds and attachments,” says Ansley Campbell, a clinical director at The Summit Wellness Group.
People “learn and utilize techniques to heal or create safe and secure attachments within the relationship,” she explains.
3. Narrative therapy
The practice of narrative therapy revolves around people describing their problems in narrative form and rewriting their stories. This can help them see that no single story can possibly encapsulate the totality of their experience.
“There will always be inconsistencies and contradictions,” says Sam Nabil, the CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics.
Narrative therapy may be helpful for couples who feel like their relationship is failing due to both of their faults. According to a 2016 study, narrative therapy has even been shown to decrease conflict and increase cooperation among couples.
“These couples often believe that they’re subject to this romantic pitfall and emotional trauma because they have been a ‘failure’ from the start and it is what they ‘deserve,’” Nabil says.
4. Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is a popular method practiced among couples therapists. The technique is designed to help couples deepen their understanding of one another while managing conflict in their relationship. It may also
The Gottman Institute has more than 40 years of research under its belt. It provides live workshops and take-home training materials for couples, but many therapists have also trained using the Gottman Institute’s methods.
5. Imago relationship therapy
Imago relationship therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, emphasizes the connection between adult relationships and childhood experiences.
By understanding childhood trauma, the therapy is aimed at making couples more empathetic and understanding of one another.
6. Solution-focused therapy
If you’re dealing with a particular issue, experiencing burnout, or trying to work toward a specific goal, solution-focused therapy is a model to consider.
According to the Institute for Solution-Focused Therapy, the practice is “a short-term goal-focused evidence-based therapeutic approach, which helps clients change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems.”
7. Get crafty
“Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you’re having issues within the relationship,” Louis says.
She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody their relationship desires.
“It’s a tangible reminder that a marriage is a work in progress, and that it takes hard work and time on both ends to create a strong, healthy, and long-lasting relationship,” she says.
8. Find deeper topics to engage with
Get over surface-level conversations and ask your partner questions other than “What’s for dinner?”
Kelly Sinning, a Colorado-based licensed professional counselor, likes to give her clients the homework of simply talking with each other.
“Oftentimes, we get so busy and caught up in the day-to-day needs, we don’t realize that we stop having conversations about anything else,” she explains.
9. Express appreciation
Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another.
“Make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it,” suggests Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Center for Heart Intelligence.
10. Identify your partner’s love language
Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you experience love in the same way.
“The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman helps couples identify what makes them feel loved, so they can show up for each other.
The five love languages are based on the idea that each person has a preferred way of receiving love:
- receiving gifts
- acts of service
- words of affirmation
- quality time
- physical touch
Take this online quiz with your partner to discover your love language and better understand each other.
11. Schedule important conversations
Are you looking to have an important or difficult discussion with your partner? Take it from the experts: Serious talks are best when you have a plan.
“We often engage in conflict because the timing is wrong, and we aren’t in a frame of mind where we can thoughtfully engage in conversation,” says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, with Amethyst Counseling and Consulting.
She recommends scheduling tough conversations in advance, so no one is caught off guard.
12. Pencil in one-on-one time
While life can feel hectic, don’t let outside pressures override time with your partner.
“Scheduling an hour of ‘couples time’ to get intimate is a great start. Scheduling an hour of time to focus on topics that will help improve the relationship can be done several times a week or once a week,” says Grazel Garcia, LMFT.
13. Fill your intimacy bucket
As a couple and as individuals, understand that you both have intimacy needs.
Garcia calls this the “intimacy bucket,” which includes the following types of intimacy:
- intellectual
- experiential
- social
- emotional
- sexual
Spend time finding exercises in each bucket. For example, you can explore a new hobby together or socialize with mutual friends on a Zoom game night.
14. Practice partner yoga
Consider teaming up with your partner for couples yoga.
Partner yoga allows you to balance together with your partner, establishing and strengthening trust as you flow through tandem moves.
A 2016 study found an association between higher levels of mindfulness and higher levels of relationship satisfaction. By synchronizing your breathing, you’ll be one with your partner during your practice — and the benefits may even exceed your yoga class.
15. The 6-second kiss
Don’t knock this technique before you try it. Dr. John Gottman, the founder of the Gottman Institute, advocates for the 6-second kiss. It’s a way for couples to add a dash of romance seamlessly throughout the day.
The kiss is just long enough to be passionate while also acting as a distraction from the busyness of the day.
16. Show interest in each other’s day
When was the last time you asked your partner what they were most excited about for the day?
Spending a few moments discussing your partner’s agenda and goals will help support them and make them feel cared for in your relationship.
With her clients, Prost finds that “curiosity can help your partner feel connected to you.”
17. Share a list of things you want from your partner
Write down three things your partner could do weekly that would make you happy. Share your list with one another while looking in each other’s eyes.
The lists may not be something your partner can do every day, but a reminder of things they can manage to do once a week to help build trust and communication.
“The point is that we all show and need affection in different ways, and honoring those differences is essential to feeling heard and understood,” says Nyro Murphy, LCPC.
18. Use an icebreaker
You might remember icebreakers from summer camp or work seminars, but this go-to conversation-starting game may help reinvigorate your relationship and teach you something new about your partner.
Reintroduce yourself to your partner by setting time to discuss icebreaker questions that dig beneath the surface.
19. Connect through music
Remember the days of making your school crush the ultimate mixtape?
A 2011 study found that shared music preferences create stronger social bonds.
Feel the nostalgia and curate your own playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and the moments you’ve shared. Swap your playlists, and get a peek into each other’s romantic side.
20. Start a book club for two
Reading can allow you to share an experience together at your own pace. Alternate the responsibility of choosing a book that’s grabbed your attention, and set a date to discuss it over dinner.
21. Eye gazing
Initiating long-held eye contact with your partner may help you two feel a stronger connection.
Prolonged eye contact can help you recognize emotions,
A 2018 study associated eye gazing with “self-other merging,” reducing the boundary between yourself and the other person to feel unity.
As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give it a try?
22. Practice gratitude
Gratitude has many benefits, including boosting well-being for yourself and your relationship.
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At the end of each day, take time to share three things you’re grateful for with your partner.
23. Increase your cuddle time
There’s a reason why cuddling with your partner feels so good: Cuddling causes your body to release oxytocin and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone.
What’s more, according to
24. Invest in a therapy workbook
Find a couples therapy workbook in a bookstore or online, and take time each week to go through assigned activities with your partner.
Dr. Annie Hsueh, PhD, of Hope and Sage Psychological Services, recommends her clients read and answer the question prompts in “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.
Hsueh also recommends “The Couple Home Lasting Connection System,” a workbook filled with exercises designed to help couples connect in “deeper, more meaningful ways.”
25. Unplug from your devices
According to a 2014 report by the Pew Research Center, 25% of participants in a serious relationship say cellphones distract their partner when they’re alone together.
Known as phone snubbing (or “phubbing”), focusing on your phone instead of your partner in a social setting could negatively
If distraction and a feeling of absenteeism is infiltrating your relationship, experiment with setting aside time to fully unplug and communicate with each other.
In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship. Certain types of counselors are also specifically trained to work with couples, including marriage and family therapists.
Like any form of therapy, couples counseling requires a commitment and willingness to open up from both involved parties.
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 98% of surveyed clients reported marriage and family therapy services as good or excellent.
Counseling doesn’t have to be a guarded practice reserved for any “type” of person. Couples therapy can help anyone in a relationship, regardless of demographics, like sexual orientation and age.
“Couples can form a more secure bond with one another and be able to have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away,” Hsueh says.
When committing to couples therapy, come with an open mind, and be ready to break down the barriers of communication.
If you’re in need of a relationship refresh, counseling may be a great option for you. You’ll have a third-party mediator (who can identify underlying issues and emotions you might not be aware exist) to facilitate constructive conversations, and help you work through various roadblocks in your relationship.
Couples therapy also gives you an opportunity to set aside dedicated time to improving your relationship. You may have things you want to work on, but they can get pushed aside with other commitments and responsibilities. When you commit to couples therapy, you block out that time to prioritize your relationship.
No matter your situation, you can benefit from participating in couples therapy and acquiring a toolkit to deepen your connection with your loved one.
“The benefits to couples therapy are endless. The mere act of seeking couples therapy can be a demonstration of the significance and importance you place on your relationship,” says Nikki Young, LMFT.
“My goal in couples therapy is to teach couples how to navigate life together as a team, so that ultimately they say, ‘Hey, thanks for the support, but we got it from here,’” she adds.
The perks of couples therapy can include:
- being intentional with your time and words, and finding new ways to communicate with your partner
- establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship, and building skills to identify your needs and wants in a relationship
- creating a safe, calm space in therapy to discuss difficult topics so you feel supported and heard in your relationship
- practicing techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy
- forming action plans to make your relationship a priority
- identifying harmful or damaging patterns in your relationship, finding common ground, and learning to relate to each other in a loving, kind way
- rebuilding trust with one another
- discovering and developing valuable skills to decrease distress and manage conflict
Can couples therapy make things worse?
But there can be some downsides to couples therapy too. And not all relationships can be mended.
Couples therapy can make things worse if the couple isn’t ready or willing to address the issues that brought them to therapy. If one or both partners aren’t fully committed to the relationship or aren’t interested in resolving the issues, then couples therapy can do more harm than good. Couples therapy works best when both partners want to work on the relationship, and it’s likely not a fit if one partner is no longer invested in the relationship and wants to move on.
If there’s a lot of anger, resentment, and bitterness between the couple, then it can be very difficult to address these issues constructively in therapy. When people are unwilling to open up and share their feelings honestly with the other, then the therapy sessions can quickly become frustrating and unproductive.
Couples therapy is also not a tool for forcing your partner to change. It’s meant to open up communication and work through issues. But it’s not a good fit for those who are just looking to change their partner and don’t want to do the introspective work themselves.
The cons of couples therapy can include:
- emotional discomfort for one or both partners
- frustration with lack of control over your partner’s actions
- increased resentment if partner is unwilling to do the work
- a substantial financial investment
- dedicated time and effort from both parties
- disappointment if expectations are too high
However, if both partners are willing to work on the relationship and are committed to making things better, then couples therapy can be an extremely effective tool in helping couples resolve the issues causing problems in their relationship.
When it comes to committing to couples therapy, partners can start therapy for any reason that’s causing conflict, distress, or mistrust.
Couples may seek therapy to:
- rebuild trust after infidelity or deceit
- enhance physical and emotional intimacy if you’re feeling unsatisfied
- overcome trauma
- go through a transition together, like parenthood or a big move
- navigate conflicting views on how to parent
- help manage substance use disorder recovery for one or both partners
- learn more about the relationship
- gain stability when feeling lost in the busyness of life
- get support when grieving the loss of a loved one
- have fun within your relationship and reignite your spark
- resolve conflict in a rational way
- define the significance and seriousness of a relationship with the help of a third party
- work through infertility
- help with blended families and stepparenting
- navigate career pressures and job changes
- handle financial problems
“Oftentimes, couples wait to seek therapy until they have reached a point of crisis within their relationship. And while this is likely a fitting time to seek couples therapy, please consult with a provider to ensure couples counseling is the right avenue of support,” Young says.
But in dangerous or dire situations, mental health professionals may advise another path.
“There are times when couples therapy is not indicated, such as situations of characterological domestic violence or an ongoing affair. In situations such as these, the therapist will likely recommend individual counseling instead,” she says.
Most couples can benefit from counseling to improve communication, overcome obstacles, and maintain a healthy relationship.
Couples therapy can also help provide support if you’re working through specific issues within your relationship, such as infidelity, substance abuse, or infertility.
You may also want to consider couples therapy if you’re hoping to improve other aspects of your relationship, such as communication, intimacy, or conflict resolution.
It could also be beneficial for couples navigating other stressful periods in life, such as getting married, having a baby, moving, or changing career paths.
Before your first therapy session, your therapist may provide you with some paperwork regarding fees, office policies, and other ethical or legal considerations.
You and your partner may also be asked to fill out an intake form to provide basic information like your name, address, insurance details, and medical history.
The first few sessions of couples therapy generally involve discussing the details of your relationship, along with what you hope to work on during therapy.
Your therapist will also likely help you identify areas of improvement, set goals for your relationship, and establish a personalized treatment plan to maximize your results from therapy.
It’s important to discuss with your partner which factors are most important to each of you when looking for a therapist and whether either of you have any preferences regarding the gender, cultural background, location, or specialty of your therapist.
Asking for a referral from friends, family members, or other medical professionals can be a great starting place to find a couples therapist.
There are also many websites available that provide lists of mental health professionals in your area, including the Healthline FindCare tool. These tools typically allow you to filter healthcare professionals based on gender, language, the forms of therapy offered, and the types of insurance they accept.
You may also want to consider using an online couples therapy platform, which can be a convenient and affordable alternative to in-person therapy.
Here are our top picks:
- ReGain: ReGain is a telehealth service that’s completely committed to couple’s therapy. It’s a great option for flexible scheduling, since there are text, call, and video options. You can join calls with or without your partner, and it works for long-distance relationships too. You don’t have to physically be in the same place to join a call together.
- Our editor “Lea” tried this service with her husband and liked the tools available to them. However, she mentioned that users should be “open to take advantage of what’s offered, since it’s self-driven.”
- Though Lea had trouble finding a therapist, she said it was an easy and guiltless process jumping from one therapist to another to find someone who could understand what they were going through.
- Along with the tools available to them, Lea and her husband “[liked] how many therapists [were] available and that there [were] auto-matching and self-selection options to connect with a therapist.”
- Talkspace: Couples therapy is just one of the many modalities Talkspace offers. You can schedule video calls with a therapist, but the real draw is around-the-clock counseling via text messaging through the app. If you have an issue that arises, you may be able to get advice in real time to help you work through it. Talkspace members get unlimited text access to their therapists for one monthly fee.
Generally, no, couples therapists won’t recommend divorce. A therapist aims to help couples work through their issues and improve their relationship by providing a safe space for communication, guiding them in conflict resolution, and establishing emotional intimacy.
Divorce is a serious decision that should only be made after careful consideration of all the possible ramifications.
Relationship therapy and relationship counseling are both types of therapy that aim to improve communication and resolve conflict in a relationship. However, there are some key differences between the two.
Relationship counseling is typically focused on helping couples deal with present events and may also be used to prepare people for a healthy, strong marriage.
Relationship therapy, on the other hand, can be useful for couples at any stage in their relationship. Some of the techniques may be similar to marriage counseling, but people deal with problems that have a history and have created unhealthy patterns of relating. Therapists look for the reasons behind the emotions that drive these patterns and work with the couple to change them.
Relationship therapy can be an incredibly effective way to improve a relationship, but both partners must be committed to the process and willing to work on their issues.
It depends on the therapist and your location. You can expect to pay about $100 to $200 an hour for in-person visits, but telehealth services like ReGain and Talkspace make couples counseling a little more accessible. ReGain costs $60 to $90 per week for video and text messaging, while Talkspace starts at $69 per week for unlimited messaging and goes up from there.
It depends on your therapist and the issues or conflicts you’re trying to work through. Your first session will likely be a chance for you and your therapist to get to know each other. You’ll discuss your relationship and what you hope to gain from therapy. As sessions progress, your therapist will work with you to set goals for your relationship, identify areas of improvement, and develop a treatment plan.
Research shows that couples therapy positively impacts 70% of couples, and that 70% to 80% of people are “better off” when finishing treatment compared with when they started. This is a higher success rate than most other forms of therapy and medical interventions for mental health disorders.
No problem is too big or small for therapy, especially with the help of an experienced licensed professional.
From feeling disconnected from your partner to overcoming infidelity, exercises and techniques developed by licensed therapists can rehabilitate your relationship and improve your communication skills.
Jillian Goltzman is a freelance journalist covering culture, social impact, wellness, and lifestyle. She’s been published in various outlets, including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Fodor’s Travel Guide. Outside of writing, Jillian is a public speaker who loves discussing the power of social media — something she spends too much time on. She enjoys reading, her houseplants, and cuddling with her corgi. Find her work on her website, blog, Twitter, and Instagram.