How Practicing Non-Attachment Helps Me Let Go and Be Present

By letting go of my attachment to how things “should” be, I can fully be present in each moment. Then, frustration turns into freedom.

I first learned about non-attachment during my yoga teacher training over a decade ago.

What was an interesting concept at the time later became a lifeline when I developed chronic pain and was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses.

Here’s how I apply non-attachment to help me cope in my day-to-day.

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What is non-attachment?

Non-attachment is a mindfulness concept that has its roots in Buddhism and yoga philosophy. It essentially means practicing detachment from outcomes.

Practicing non-attachment means engaging with the world around you with flexibility. It involves showing up to each moment fully without being fixated on outcomes. Think process, not product.

With non-attachment, you can relate to your own thoughts and experiences with neutrality, neither clinging to or repressing them. Instead, you acknowledge them without judgment.

In the Buddhist religion, monks have been practicing non-attachment for thousands of years. You may have heard of the Buddhist tradition of letting go of wealth or material possessions, but this also extends to letting go of one’s own expectations and control.

In yoga philosophy, non-attachment is called aparigraha. This is one of the four yamas or moral lessons. The Bhagavad Gita, a 700-verse Hindu scripture often referenced as a spiritual and moral compass, advises acting wisely without concern for the results.

Or as the Buddha purportedly said, “You only lose what you cling to.”

What non-attachment means to me

So what does all this philosophy have to do with chronic illness?

During my yoga teacher training, I had a “light bulb” moment. I realized that my discontent actually stems from my attachment to an outcome rather than the outcome itself.

For example, if I held a headstand for a minute the day before, I’d get frustrated if I couldn’t do it the following day. My frustration came from my reaction to the event, not the event itself.

When I let go of those expectations, I was able to accept and enjoy each pose — and each day — for what it was.

Later, when I first started experiencing chronic illness symptoms, I learned the hard lesson of taking these philosophical teachings off the mat and into real life.

When I first developed symptoms, I found myself getting very attached to my body’s (and mind’s) ability to perform in the ways it used to. Before I got sick, I would hang out with my friends whenever, go out dancing, run long races, and generally feel good when I woke up.

Suddenly, that was no longer my reality. Depression, anxiety, and chronic pain were a barrier to following through on those brunch plans I’d made the week before.

Going out drinking and dancing until midnight? Sometimes, I felt up to it, but most times, my chronic pain and fatigue said “no.” Anything physical, like running and yoga, became something that had to be assessed on a day-by-day basis as my symptoms fluctuated.

Of course, it’s difficult to live with chronic illness — point blank. However, I found that my unhappiness wasn’t necessarily due to my symptoms themselves but that horrible pit in my stomach when I failed to meet my own expectations.

How to practice non-attachment with chronic illness

It’s been a long and ongoing learning process — think years, not days. I’ve slowly shifted to a non-attached way of dealing with my chronic illnesses, and I’m still working on it.

I can’t control how I’ll feel

This has been essential due to the dynamic nature of my chronic illnesses. Some days I feel good, and others I wake up fatigued or in pain.

By attaching myself to certain outcomes — like feeling like my best self for that important work presentation or performing my best at the 5k race I signed up for months ago — I set myself up for failure because chronic illness is so unpredictable.

Instead, by detaching myself from those outcomes, like preparing for that work presentation or 5k while accepting I can’t control how I’ll feel when the day comes, I give myself compassion and peace.

I can’t control how others react to my symptoms

Similarly to detaching myself from high expectations, I also had to detach myself from low expectations.

I fell out with one friend because they weren’t understanding of my fluctuating symptoms, but that doesn’t mean that other friends will behave the same way. Thinking otherwise is an example of overgeneralization or applying a conclusion to all circumstances.

I can’t control how my medical appointments go

In the past, I’d go into doctor’s appointments high-strung and clinging tightly to what I hoped to get out of it.

Invariably, I was deeply disappointed over the years (as many of us are), whether it was my hope of being offered a certain diagnostic test or therapy or having my blood draw work on the first attempt.

These days, I’ve learned to go into these appointments less attached to the doctor’s (or my own body’s) behavior. Likewise, if I had a bad experience in the past, I try not to “attach” myself to that bad outcome happening again.

I cannot control that other person or outside circumstances. I can only be flexible in how I approach the interaction and communicate what I need from the appointment.

If I don’t get what I need from the appointment, I don’t feel nearly as devastated as I used to. I try to accept the appointment for what it is and move on to the next step — sometimes seeking a second opinion.

The result is that I waste less time and energy on the emotional rollercoaster of unmet expectations and disappointment. Instead, I live (a bit) more in the present moment, acknowledging my body and the world around me as ever-evolving and not necessarily controllable.

The attachment scale

Non-attachment is not just some ancient religious or philosophical concept. It’s been a recent area of psychological research. In 2010, researchers developed a 30-item non-attachment scale to help measure a person’s level of non-attachment.

The following are seven statements on the shortened non-attachment scale. You can rate your answers on a scale of 1 to 6, with 1 being “disagree strongly” and 6 being “agree strongly.”

1. I can let go of regrets and feelings of dissatisfaction about the past.
2. I can enjoy pleasant experiences without needing them to last forever.
3. I view the problems that enter my life as things/issues to work on rather than reasons for becoming disheartened or demoralized.
4. I can enjoy my family and friends without feeling I need to hang on to them.
5. I can take joy in others’ achievements without feeling envious.
6. I do not get “hung up” on wanting an “ideal” or “perfect” life.
7. When pleasant experiences end, I am fine moving on to what comes next.

These questions are designed to be measured and evaluated by a health professional. However, they’re useful questions to consider as you begin your journey with non-attachment to assess where you are now. They may also be helpful to share with a mental health professional, like a therapist.

Takeaway

When applied to chronic illness, non-attachment helped me overcome my unrealistic expectations of myself. It helped me let go of the unrealistic desire to be able to perform at the same level as others — or my past self.

Practicing non-attachment has taught me to live in the present and accept my body and mind as-is. Shifting my thinking this way is very much a work in progress — that’s why it’s called “practicing!”