I’m Not Just Symptoms and Stats: The Importance of a Doctor Who Can See You

If you’ve ever felt like you were treated differently because of who you are, you’re not alone.

Finding a doctor who listens to your concerns and makes you feel understood can feel like hitting the jackpot. Some doctors see dozens of patients a day, doing their best to help as many people as they can.

Rushed doctor’s appointments can lead to miscommunication and what feels like less-than-thorough examinations. If you’ve experienced this, you may understand — and maybe you felt like your doctor made assumptions about your health and how you should be treated based on who you are.

We asked Bezzy community members, “Have you ever felt like you were treated differently by a doctor because of your age, race, size, gender, or other factors related to your identity? If so, why?”

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We received more than 25 responses — Here’s what you all said

Because I’m older

“I’ve noticed a shift in care as I’ve become older. When first diagnosed in my 20s, I felt far more personal interest and support from my physicians. It could be a product of the times (more patients, less time to invest, etc … ), but I’ve noticed I’m not considered as high a priority. In a perfect world, that’s not the case. But I get it, and that’s why self-advocacy is vital as we age.” — Celticsfan, Bezzy IBD member

“I was having bladder issues and visited my neurologist since 75% of folks with MS have bladder issues. During my visit, my then neurologist basically told me it wasn’t MS causing the issue — I was just old! That was my last visit to that office. Not long after that visit, I lost complete function of my bladder. I never stick around if my doctor doesn’t listen to what I have to say. We all have to take care and be active in our healthcare.” — DenverMikeR, Bezzy MS member

“l feel that when one reaches the 60s mark, that doctors tend to talk down to you.” — Heath, Bezzy Depression member

“Since I turned 60, I’ve noticed some doctors don’t take me very seriously … visits are quick, and things overlooked. Not as much effort made on the doctor’s behalf. When I’m alone during the appointment, it’s worse.” — HopeToday, Bezzy Depression member

“I am 69 years old and have had MS for 45 years. I asked my neurologist if my short-term memory issues were something I should worry about. She said that I shouldn’t worry about it at my age. She also told me I was ‘lucky’ I could still drive myself to my appointments.” — gighbrgal55, Bezzy MS member

Because of my weight

“Before I got diagnosed with PsA, an emergency room doctor suggested my finger was ‘as fat as I was’ and that I needed to lose weight. Um, it was dactylitis. Later, my first rheumatologist told me the osteoarthritis in my knees was ‘normal aging due to my high BMI.’ I demanded a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, who literally said, ‘I read his notes, and I disagree heavily and will be noting that. Osteoarthritis is never caused by BMI. No one has knees like yours unless it’s a rheumatic illness. This looks like a typical beginning of PsA advancement.’ I cried from her validation.” — sunbeamgurl, Bezzy PsA member

“When I go to the doctor, they attribute everything being wrong due to my weight. I eat right and exercise, but because of health issues, I can’t seem to lose much weight. But when I tell them this, they say I’m just not really trying.” — Anakia, Bezzy Depression member

Because I wore makeup

“I’ve always looked young, plus I’d put on makeup for work because I always look tired and don’t like people thinking I look sick. Doctors would see my makeup and think, ‘It can’t be that bad if she puts on makeup!’ They totally judge you on your appearance. I tell people, ‘If you want the doctor to pay attention to your pain, you have to go in with no makeup and wrinkled clothes!’ I’m jaded.” — CrankyRie, Bezzy RA member

Because I’m a young woman

“With no family history of cancer and me being so young, my doctor didn’t initially think it could be cancer. She assumed it was just a cyst and sent me home. I was only 26 years old.” — anonymous Bezzy Breast Cancer member

“Now, I feel my doctors are respectful and take the time to listen. Years ago, in the 70s, when I was a young wife and mother in my 20s, I felt most doctors, who were men, did not take my concerns or questions seriously. They were dismissive of female issues, and I don’t think they believed they were real.” — mayB, Bezzy T2D member

“I was 29 years old and pregnant with my youngest when I first noticed my breathing problems. I mentioned I felt short of breath while caring for patients as a certified nursing assistant to my OB doctor. I think because of my age, she just assumed it was asthma. I know now that I should have been properly tested. If so, I would have been diagnosed 10 years earlier, and I certainly would have made some changes right then instead of continuing the course I was on with my lungs continuing to deteriorate.” — Jackie English, Bezzy COPD member

“I feel that I am treated differently for my gender often. It feels that doctors don’t believe I can be experiencing the level of pain I’m reporting because I’m still wearing a smile. When I reported heat in my joints, the doctor looked to my spouse to confirm, rather than believing me.” — Alexa7, Bezzy PsA member

Because I didn’t speak the same language

“As a young Asian immigrant to the U.S., I experienced racism and misogyny in and out of the medical field, mainly by older white men. I’m now fluent in English, and as a strong, confident, well-educated woman, I don’t tolerate any more mistreatment or disrespect.” — Doggy Breath, Bezzy T2D member

Because of my relationship status

“I am a middle-aged divorcee, and I’ve seen a difference in how doctors treated me when they knew I had a husband who would back me up. I can’t tell you how this saddens me, and I do not believe it’s intentional. But something subconscious occurs. I remember bringing my husband to appointments in the past so we could both hear the info. I felt like the medical professional sat up a little taller and made extra care to not be an arse. I was never dismissed or talked down to.

“If I said, ‘Well, I need to consult my family and my husband,’ it was like I had a card to play. Their demeanor would shift. But now that I’m divorced, it’s like I’m an easy target for dismissal. I don’t have that familial backup, and it plays into how I am treated. I truly think it’s subconscious, but it’s quite frightening. So many middle-aged and senior people are now alone and don’t have that backup. So, I think, ‘Dang, how are others getting treated? Dismissed too?’ Perception of position influences how we are treated by extremely stressed out and stretched medical professionals.” — FireFly, Bezzy MS member

Bezzy members shared advice, too

Remind yourself it’s not personal

“It’s helped me to remind myself that I am just another file. Doesn’t always work, but adopting that mindset keeps me less emotionally connected and helps me to feel far less guilt for being that annoying patient with expectations. The reality is that so much is passed off to unseasoned staff waiting for their next break. Some are far luckier, of course.” — CelticsFan, Bezzy IBD member

Bring someone to your appointments

“When I bring a friend to my appointment, it seems a little easier to get the care I need.” — HopeToday, Bezzy Depression member

Remember, your doctor is human

“I try to remember that at the end of the day, we’re both people. I want to be seen as more than just a patient, and they are more than just my doctor. If things aren’t going well during a visit, it might be that they’re busy, having a bad day, or something else. Giving some grace helps me to be patient and speak up gently to try to do a reset.” — Sara McTigue, Bezzy senior editor

Takeaway

Not every doctor is the right fit for every patient. Finding a doctor who you connect with is especially important when you live with a chronic condition.

Maybe you’ve waited on long waitlists to finally see a specialist in a too-brief appointment. It’s only natural to feel frustrated when our health is on the line. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you feel neglected or uneasy about your treatment plan.

You know your body best, so bringing a list of questions and a friend or family member to appointments can go a long way in addressing your concerns. At the end of the day, remember that doctors are only human, too.

No matter who you are, Bezzy understands, and members are here for you in the community forums.